Adam Sandler
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>> Mother's Day Song

Mama was the one who reached down and tied my shoelace.
Mama spit on her fingers and used it to clean dirt off my face.

Brush your teeth, Q-tip your ear,
take off your sister's new brassiere.
Watch PBS, not Deputy Dawg,
don't you eat that Lincoln Log.

Oh mama I still don't believe
it's true: The tooth fairy was you.
No Way!

I love you maaaaaama,
more than than paaaastrama,
way more than Jeffrey Daaaahma,
even more than my NFL paaaaajamas.

Mama always calmed down dad when he got too mean.
Like the time he almost hit me for stealing his Juggs magazine.

Stop your jumping,
you'll break the bed.
Don't you fill up
on the bread.
Take those
Take those
(trying to read cue card)
Take ... carrots out of your nose,
that's not a hat that's pantyhose.
Don't play baseball in your suit,
that Magnum PI's very cute.
Don't forget Vick's Vapor-rub,
stop masturbating in the tub.
Thanks for making corn beef hash,
and putting powder on my rash.
(So much better.)

I love you maaaaaama,
more than golf with Arnold Paaaaalmaaaa,
more than yellow moons in Lucky Chaaaaamaaaas,
Def Leppard's drummer only had one aaaaaaamaaa.

Oh, Mrs. Nealon, yes it's true,
Kevin's gonna sing to you.

Come on Kevin.

I love you maaaaaama

Come on, keep goin'.

More than films by Brian DePaaaaalmaaaa.

Thanks for being my date to the praaaaamaaaa.

Thanks for writing that note to the draft
board that said I was gay so I got out
of Vietnaaaamaaa.

Mom your way better than the World Trade Center baaaaamaaaa.

Who's name by the way is Mohamed Salaaaamaaa.

I love you even more than Richard Gere loves the Dali Laaaaahmaaa.

And Richard Gere was also good in "Sommersby",
which was a melodraaaamaa.

Oh, all you moms out there oughta know,
we kids love you so.

Have a Happy Mother's Day.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!

Adam Saaaandlaaa.

>> Memory Lane

M1: "Hey, it's great to have us all out on a road trip again this is gonna be fun"
[all agree]
M2: "Whoa,do you smell that skunk"
All: "Yeah
M2: "You know, even though it stinks it kinda reminds me of growing up"
[all agree]
M3: "It kinda reminds me of smelling weed"
[all agree]
M1: "Hey, it reminds me of smelling a pussy"
[all agree]
M2: "It reminds me of smelling an ass"
[all agree]
M4: "It reminds me of smelling a 60 year old guys ass"
[car screeches, he drops out of the car]
M4: "Hey, screw you guys I am who I am deal with it"

M1: "I'm glad we got rid of him his was a wierdo"
M3: "Oh my God, that was a little out there, hey check out a water slide, man, those things always remind me of my 13th birthday party, remember that"
[all agree]
M1: "Hey, it reminds me of that girl I met last year who was a lifegaurd at one of those things, she was unbelievable"
[all agree]
M2: "Hey, it reminds me of that rich girl I went out with and when her dad went out of town we fooled around in his jucuzzi"
[all agree]
M3: "It also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down one of those things and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off, and I just stood there at his big beutiful hairy balls flopping around, holy geez I wanted to lick em'"
[car screeches he drops out of it]
M3: "I hate you guys, you tricked me into sayin' that"

M2: "I always knew that guy was a little wierd"
M1: "Hey, there's a pizza place it smells awesome"
M2: "It reminds me of the time I used to work in a pizza place"
M1: "It reminds me of my first date with this girl named Ginger, I took her to a pizza place"
M2: "Hey, it also reminds me of the time I ate a slice of pizza, and then went over to a 60 year old man's house and made him fuck me in the ass in front of his kids"
[car screeches, he drops out of it]
M2: "Hey don't get all hitey mitey he wanted me to do it"

M1: "Man they were all crazy, hey, what's that"
Cow: "Moo"
M1: "Oh my god, ahhhhhhhhhhh"
[car chrashes]

"Hey that last skit was written for a reason, if any of your buddy's have fooled around with a 60 year old man, don't throw them out of your car, or you will die, now enjoy the rest of the album."

>> Medium Pace

Put your arms around me babe,
Can't you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
'Cause I'm about to begin
Lovin' you.

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? Now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.

Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
you work with.

Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.

I feel so humiliated. I'm about to blow my load.
You tell it's time to make love but I can't 'cuz I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I'm so sorry I spunked all over my stomach.
Maybe next time I'll be better at loving you.

>> Lunchlady Land

"This is a song
uhh, about the high school experience”
"Sung through the eyes of the person, who more than anyone else puts young people on the right path...
I’m not talking about the teachers, I’m not talking about the coaches, I’m not even talkin’ about the guidance counselors, I’m talking about a person we call
The lunch lady"

Woke up in the morning
Put on my new plastic glove
Served some reheated Salisbury steak
With a little slice of love
I Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of
Just know everything's doing fine
Down here in Lunch lady Land

Well I wear this net on my head
'Cause my red hair is fallin' out
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
'Cause I got a bad case of the gout
I know you want seconds on the corndogs
But there's no reason to shout
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in the magical Lunch lady Land

Well yesterday's meatloaf is today's sloppy joes
And my breath reeks of tuna
And there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose

In lunch lady land all your dreams come true
clouds made of carrots and peas
mountains made of shepards pie
rivers made of macarroni and cheese
Now rememeber to return your trays
and please forget my gum disease
everybody gets enough food down here in Lunch lady land

Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans, navy beans
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans
Meatloaf sandwich
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah

Well I dreamt one morning
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-looking at me
It screamed, why do you burn me
And serve me up cold
I said I got the spatula
Just do what you're told
Then the liver & onions
Started joining the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all its might
And the chop soy slapped me
And it kicked me in the head
It's called revenge Lunch lady
Said the garlic bread
I said what did I do
To make you all so mad they said
you got flabby arms
And your breath is bad
Then the green beans said
You better run and hide
But then my friend sloppy joe came
And joined my side
He said if it wasn't for the Lunch lady
The kids wouldn't eat ya
You should be shakin' her hand
And sayin' please to meet ya
She gives you a purpose
And she gives you a goal
You should be kissin' her feet
And kissin' her mole
Now all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home

Thanks to
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe yeah

Well me & sloppy joe got married
We got six kids and we're doing' just fine
Down in Lunch lady Land

>> Listenin' To The Radio

Where's my Peggy Sue?
I could use a Rosalita
If there's a Long Tall Sally out there
I'm dyin' to meet her
Why can't I hear Beth callin' me?
Why can't I be the one to make Sara smile?
I wish I was arm in arm with Jean genie
Walkin' down the aisle

Oh yeah, all right

But I got no Mary Jane
There's no Sloopy or Dancin' Queen
I'm just a fool in the rain
Waitin' on my Billie Jean

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I never got to scream for a Layla
I never saw Mary-Anne walkin' away
I never danced on the sand with a Rio
Or woke up with a Maggie May

I dialed 867-5309
But there was no Jenny Jenny
Oh, why can't I get myself a brown-eyed girl
When Willie Nelson loved so many?

And why does Jack have Diane?
And why does Billy Joe have Bobbie Sue?
And everybody had Roxanne
Except you-know-who

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Well I'd take any ol' Suzy Q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes
Or she can be my Darling Nikki

Oh, Brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet Judy Blue
I guess I sound just like that other fella
'Cause you know I wish I had Jessie's girl too

Oh yeah, all right

Well, I'd die for a kiss from Allison
Even though I know she'd break my heart
Or give me a Lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

You know I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well, I'd even take a Run-Around Sue

Oh yeah, all right

>> Kermet And Big Bird Stoned

Kermet and Big Bird Stoned Lyrics
Artist(Band):Adam Sandler
(Print the Lyrics)
Kermet and Big Bird Stoned Lyrics

Kermet tell me how to get, how to get to Seseme and Street,
How to get to Seseme and Street, How to get to Seseme and Streeeeet.

Hello.., Kermet the frog here. And welcome Sensamea Street.
I'd like to tell you what todays letter is, but I'm really fucked up.
He, Hey Big Bird, do you know what today's letter is?

Big Bird:
Sure Kermet, today's letter is.........Joint...........

Ahh Big Bird, joint is not a letter.... it is a word.

Big Bird:
Sorry kids.. todays letter is threeee.........

Uhhhh, Big Bird, three isn't a letter, it is a number

Big Bird:
Exactly, three is the number of joints I've smoked today.
Big Bird:
Kermet.... Are you with me...

God I'm stoned....

Big Bird:
Me too.

Guys, guys, show go on. Come on.

Thank you Elmo. Umm, how bout we say are ABC's Big Bird...

Big Bird:

Kermet and Big Bird:
A, B, C, D, E, F, R, G, Q, K, C, R, uhh F, C

Big Bird;
I forgot what we were doing Kramet.

Did you just uhh call me Kramet??

Big Bird:
Yes I did.

Kramet the frog here.
Ok, ok, that's all the time we have for today. Goodbye kid's.
Todays show was brought to you by a the letter ummm,

Big Bird:

And the number,,,,,,

Big Bird:
God your messed up

Fuck you!!!
The number, Fuck you!!


Kermet and Big Bird:
Bye, bye, kids, bye

Kermet tell me how to get, how to get to Seseme and Street,
How to get to Seseme and Street, How to get to Seseme and Streeeeet.

>> The Hanukkah Song

Intro: This is a song, that uh, theres alot of Xmas songs out there, but not
too many about Hanukkah, so I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish
kids who dont get to hear any Hanukkah songs--here we go...

Put on your yalmulka, here comes Hanukkah
Its so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah,

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights,
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

When you feel like the only kid in town without a X-mas tree, Heres a list of
people who are Jewish, just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorrah,
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Karnickey Deli,
Bowzer from Sha-na-na, and Arthur Fonzerrelli.

Paul Newmans half Jewish; Goldie Hawns half too,
Put them together--what a fine lookin’ Jew! [Esus]

You dont need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
Cause you can spin the dreidl with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock--both Jewish!

Put on your yalmulka, its time for Hanukkah,
The owner of the Seattle Super sonic-ahs celebrates Hanukkah.

O.J. Simpson-- not a Jew!
But guess who is...Hall of Famer—Rod Carew--(he converted!)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby,
Harrison Fords a quarter Jewish--not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebeneezer Scrooge is,
Well, hes not, but guess who is:All three stooges. [Esus]

So many Jews are in show biz--
Tom Cruise isn箃, [tacit] but I heard his agent is. [Esus]

Tell your friend Veronica, its time you celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah,
If you really, really wanna-kah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happy
Hanukkah……. HAPPY HANUKKA!

>> I Wanna Grow Old With You

I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you're sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you

I'll get you medicine,
When your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
It could be so nice,
Growin' old with you

I'll miss you, kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you.
I'll even let you hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man,
Who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you.

>> I'm So Wasted

Joe: "Hey pal! How ya doin?"
M2: "I'm so wasted, man."
Joe: "Yeah, you are, oh ho ho!"
M2: "Thanks man."
Joe: "It's good party, huh?"
M2: "Oh, it's great man."
Joe: "Hey that's some good acid, huh?"
M2: "Oh, killer man."
Joe: "Hey, my pleasure."
M2: "I've never been higher."
Joe: "Oh ho, you must be freaking out."
M2: "Acid's great man."
Joe: "It's the best."
M2: "Everytime I do acid man, I'm so high."
Joe: "Yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now."
M2: "This is the best acid, man."
Joe: "What are you seein, man?"
M2: "Oh, I, that cloud up there, man."
Joe: "Whoa"
M2: "It's got a vein in it."
Joe: "Oh-Holy Cow! Really!?"
M2: "And it's bleeding on me, man."
Joe: "It's bleeding on ya? Well watch out!"
M2: "Look at my hand, man."
Joe: "Yeah?"
M2: "It-It's moving, but it's not moving."
Joe: "It's not?"
M2: "It's still there, but it looks like it's moving."
Joe: "Hey, yeah to you it is."
M2: "I'm so high."
Joe: "Yeah, you must be flipping out."
M2: "I'm flipping out off it."
Joe: "Hallucinations, man."
M2: "Acid..right."
Joe: "Hey, I got some news fer ya."
M2: "I'm seeing stuff, man."
Joe: "Yeah, yer seeing stuff."
M2: "RIght."
Joe: "Well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?"
M2: "What man?"
Joe: "Uhhh, that really wasn't acid. That was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook."

M2: "Wha? It's probly this weed I'm smokin', man."
Joe: "Oh, that weed."
M2: "That Thai bud, man."
Joe: "Whoa."
M2: [Laughing] "Everything's hilarious."
Joe: [Laughing] "That's funny man. Look at that guy."
M2: [Laughing] "That's funny man."
Joe: [Laughing] "Look at that guy's hat man."
M2: [Laughing] "Everything's funny to me, man."
Joe: "Right. Hey, how man bones didya smoke? A few joints, man?"
M2: "I had about four."
Joe: "Whoa, that's a lot of bones to be smokin', man."
M2: "The whole thing's man."
Joe: "Yeah, you sucked 'em down yerself."
M2: "Ain't that hilarious!?"
Joe: "You didn't wanna share, didja?"
M2: "It was great stuff, man."
Joe: "Aww, yeah, hey I got some news on that stuff too."
M2: "Hey what man?"
Joe: "That's the stuff I sold you, right?
M2: "Yeah, right."
Joe: "Yeah"
M2: "It's funny, man."
Joe: "Well, well, uh.."
M2: "I'm wasted off it, man."
Joe: "Yeah, well that's good. You smoked it, right?"
M2: "Right."
Joe: "Well that really wans't weed."
Joe: "No it wasn't, it was pencil shavings in a bag."

Joe: "Yeah."
M2: "Well, it's probably this beer. This beer I'm drinking, man. I must be drunk off it or something. Ya know, I had about eighteen of them, man."
Joe: "Whoa, oh really!?"
M2: "I'm just..wasted off 'em."
Joe: "That's a lot of beer for a man to drink."
M2: "Man, I gotta pea pretty soon, man."
Joe: "You didn't dump 'em out in the woods, didja?"
M2: " I drank all of them."
Joe: "Right, yeah. I saw you..that's good. Hey didja eat today?"
M2: "No, I'm on an empty stomach."
Joe: "Whoa, you must be ..yea.. extra buzz for you."
M2: "..And that's why I'm so wasted off it man, it's like I'm seeing things, man."
Joe: "Yeah, you can hardly stand, man."
M2: "You should take my car keys, cuz I can't drive, man."
Joe: "Right, right."
M2: "I can barely walk."
Joe: "Hey man, you better open those eyes up, they're half shut."
M2: "There's two of you, man. I can't see anymore, man, I'm blind!"
Joe: "Right.. I got the beers, huh? I'm the man, right?"
M2: "Yeah, you are the man."
Joe: "Say it. Say I'm the man."
M2: "Yer da man!!"
Joe: "Okay, well that beer.."
M2: "Yeah?"
Joe: "There was no alcohol in that beer."
Joe: "That was non-alcoholic. So..uhh..again, I'm gonna have to bust you on this one. You're lying."

M2: [Mumbling] "I'll be right back."
Joe: "Ok, buddy, you go sober up."
[Walking different directions, gun goes off]
Joe: "Oh my God! He killed himself! He killed himself!"
[Runs over]
Joe: "Oh my God! You killed yerself, buddy."
M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man."
Joe: "Oh my, oh yer dead."
M2: "Yeah, I'm dead, man."
Joe: "That is awefull."
M2: "There's a big white light and everything, man."
Joe: "Yeah! Well you showed us all, man."
M2: "Oh man, I'm so peaceful here man."
Joe: "Yeah, you see anything weird, or.."
M2: "My relatives, man, a big white light, and my grandfather's there and.."
Joe: "Ooooh, I remember him, he's a good guy."
M2: "He's still wearing the same clothes, and.."
Joe: "Hey, say hello fer me, huh?"
M2: "Hey man, Joe says hi, man."
Joe: [Chuckling] "Right."
M2: "It's yeah..My uncle's here and..."
Joe: "Right..right.. Hey I got some news for ya. This is so funny."
M2: "Yeah? What, man?"
Joe: "Yeah, yeah, before you go, up to heaven. The gun, you killed yerself with, that's the one I sold you, right?"
M2: "Yeah."
Joe: "Yeah, well that was a cap gun. So, there's no way you could have killed yourself."
Joe: "Yeah, that's right, ok.. I'm going back to the party. Ok, take care."
[Walks back]

M2: [Whimpering and crying] "I'm moving to a different town man."

- "Four weeks later."

[Pouring drink]
M2: "Oh this beer is great, man. This tequila is really strong, man. It's got a worm, and everything in it, man."
Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!"
M2: "All being in the sun, you're even more wasted. Fuckin' shit is right, man! I am totally wasted now, man. I should maybe get an umbrella or something and go in the shade."
Buffoon: "I know a guy who can suck his own dick."
M2: "Yeah, I know a guy who can do that too. He's the drummer from Molly Hatchet and one night we had two cases of Southern Comfort, man. We were so wasted off it. I'm serious man."

>> Grow Old With You

Grow Old With You

Performed by Adam Sandler
on the Wedding Singer Soundtrack

Contributed by JBrai

Billy Idol (Speaking): Good afternoon everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet,
up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies
all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight
entertainment. One of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song
inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class
passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

Robbie Hart (Singing):
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
I'll Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll Need you
I'll Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

>> Girl

Arsenio (Chris Rock):
Now don't leave us hanging with just that.

Yeah, I hear that, Arsenio.
Yo guys, lets kick it!

(Music starts playing)

Yo now, before we start singing,
You also want to know in addition to writing our own songs,
we also do our own choreography.

Girl, I can't stop thinking of you girl,
Y-O-U, spells girl.
Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes,
cause the ladys' not here, to help us no more.
Went down to the store, I got myself some juice,
its tasted good and fresh and I love you.

Girl, you are wicked awesome.

I buttoned up my own shirt, whew!

Because, you girl...

Whenever I make my own plane reservations...

I think of you girl, cause girl you are wicked awesome!

My name is Donny, and I'm here to say
They call me Donny, cause that's my name.
Banana's are good in every way,
An apple a day, keeps the doctor away,
Purina Cat Chow -

Chow, chow, chow.

If my friends could only see me now,
I'm walking, I'm talking, McCauly Caukin,
Roger Clemmons was called for walking.
Word, Sister!

1, 2, Dosey dow, dosey dow.

You are... wicked awesome!


>> Four Years Old

Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap

Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!

I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol

I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother

>> Forgetful Lucy

The Hukilau was the place
Where I first saw your face
We liked each other right away
But you didn't remember me the very next day
Forgetful Lucy
Has got a nice caboosey

I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat
But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat
Then we drove up to see Dr. Keats
And found out why Doug always has to change his sheets
Forgetful Lucy
Cracked her head like Gary Busey

But I still love her so
And I'll never let her go
Even if while I'm singing this song
She's wishing I had Jocko the walrus' schlong
Forgetful Lucy
Her lips are so damn juicy

How about another first kiss

>> Food Innuendo Guy

Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom

Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah

Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious

>> Fatty Mcgee

M1: "Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man."
M2: "We just had a test a week ago. Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!"
M1: "And it counts for 80 percent of our grade."
M2: "Well we better study our butts off."
M1: "Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library."
M2: "Ok, enough talking, let's study!"
M1: "All right."
[Turning pages]

[Heavy steps]
M2: "Uh oh"
M1: "Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming. We'll never get any studying done with him in the library."
[Heavy steps continue]
M2: "Oh god, he's taking the stairs! That means he's going to be way out of breath!"

[Fatty whining, try to catch breath]
M1: "Oh no, he's going to sit with us."
Fatty: [Annoying whining voice] "Hey fellas, studying for the big test?"
M1: "Uh, yes Fatty, we were."
Fatty: [Still trying to catch breath] "Great! I'll join ya."
[Fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
M2: "Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?"
Fatty: "No, no, I'm catching it!"
[Fatty continuing to whine and snort]
M1: "Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate."
Fatty: [Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] "Sure, no problem."
M1: "Oh man."
Fatty: [Still snorting and whining loudly] "This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know."
[Whining continues even louder]
M1: "Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that."
[Wheezing continues a little softer]
M2: "Fatty! Please keep it down!"

[Fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]

M2: "Is he sleeping!?"
M1: "No, it's his deviated sceptum. Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down." [Snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
M2: "Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?"
Fatty: [Pausing, snorting] "I'm trying."
[Whining continues]
M1: "Fatty, you know what's going to happen! Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!"
[Whining gets higher and higher until it's continuous]
M2: "Oh no, that one's going to do it!"

[Fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
M2: "Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!"
Fatty: [Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] "I'm sorry!"
Fireman Ray: "Fire! Man the building!"
M1: "Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm."
Fireman Ray: "Fatty McGee, is that you again!?"
Fatty: [Stillin whining annoyingly] "Yes." [Snort] "Sorry." [Snort]
Fireman Ray: "Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?"
Fatty: [Whiney voice] "But I like the stairs!"
Fireman Ray: [annoyed] "Why!?"
Fatty: [Still whining horribly] "They're fun!"
Fireman Ray: "Oh Fatty McGee, you're the fattest!"
[Everyone laughing at stupid joke]

>> Cool Guy 1

SEAN: Ooh baby, you looking good.

GIRL: Thanks sean.

SEAN: you got it going on strong, baby. Skin so soft and hair so right.

GIRL: I think you're nice too, sean.

SEAN: Let me take off this shirt of yours and see that beauty mama has given you. -{taking off her clothes}- Ohh, so fine so right.

GIRL: Oh sean, you're so silly.

SEAN: What's going on with these little silk panties, baby? Slowly, slide them to the ground. -{taking down her panties}- (Gasps) yeah, baby yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

GIRL: It's my turn sean. Let me take down your pants. -{begins to unzip his pants}-

SEAN: Is that what you want to do baby? Why don't you put those soft sweet hands on my Jimmi-jamma.

GIRL: ...On your what?

SEAN: On my-- on my manhood,... baby.

GIRL: No wait a minute did you say "Jimmer Jammer" before?

SEAN: Well I-- I guess I did, I--

GIRL: -{beginning to gather all her clothes}- I got to go.

SEAN: No, no, you sure about this, baby?!

GIRL: Yeah, later King Jimmer Jammer. -{leaves}-

SEAN: Yeah, Cause I'll-- Cause I'll call you. Damn!!! Walking out all naked and shit.

>> Chanukah Song (iii)

Put on your yamulke
It's time for Chanukah (sounds good guys)
Once again it's Onakah
The miracle of Chanukah. (give it up for the Drei Dels)

Chanukah is the festival of lights.
One day of presents?
Hell no, We get eight crazy nights.

But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
I guess my first two songs didn't do it for you
So here comes number three!

Ross and Phoebe from "Friends" say the Chanukah blessing.
So does Lenny's pal Squiggy and "Will & Grace"'s Debra Messing.

Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy.
Maybe they should have called that show "Little Kosher House on the Prairie."

We got Jerry Lewis, Ben Stiller and Jack Black.
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism, but you guys can have him back!
(Just kidding Tommy!)

We may not get to kiss underneath the mistletoe
But we can do it all night long with Deuce Bigalow! (I'm jewish!)
Oh My God! Sweet Robbie Schneider is here!

Put on the yamukah
Here comes Chanukah
The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmonica
Celebrates Chanukah.
Oooo, good job Schneider

Osama bin Laden--(Booo!)--not a big fan of the Jews.
Well, maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match to gold medalist
Sarah Hughes, her mama's Jewish!

Houdini and David Blaine escaped straightjackets with such precision.
But the one thing they could not get out of
Their painful circumcision.

As for Half-Jewish actors, Sean Penn is quite the great one,
And Marlon Brando not a Jew at all ,
But it looks to me like he ate one.

Gweneth Paltrow is half jewish
But an aweful time Oscar winner
Jeniffer Conneley's half jewish too
And I'd like to put some more in her

There's Lou Reed, Perry Ferrell, Beck and Paula Abdul.
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music
But first came Hebrew school.

Natalie Portmanukah
It's time to celebrate Chanukah.
I hope I get an Abrtronicah,
on this joyful, toyful Chanukah.

So get a high colonicah
And soil your long johnukahs
If you really really wantukah.
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy
Happy Chan-u-kah!

>> Buddy

[Moving Train]
"Next stop! Coopersville!"

[Two guys talking]
"Hey Buddy"
"How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?"
"Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!"
"Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!"
"Buddy I know."
"Buddy, M&M's?"
"Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!"
"Buddy definitely"
"Hey get in on this drink Buddy!"
"Buddy, don't mind if I do"
"It's a bloody, Buddy"
"Buddy, it's killer!"
"Sorry Buddy"
"Save me some Buddy!"
"Buddy I said I was sorry!"
"That's ok Buddy"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Dude!"
"Hey Buddy!"
"Dudes, you know this dude?"
"What's up Dude?"
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy, sit down"
"Have some bloody Buddy"
"Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time"
"Yeah, Bud Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Cold ones Dude"
"Buddy, killer!"
"I'm buzzing Buddy!"
"Dude, I know!"
[Female walking by]
"Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!"
"I want some of that Buddy"
"Oh Buddy, save some for me"
"Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend"
"Oh, sorry Buddy"
"Just watch it Dude!"
"Hey lay off him Buddy"
"Dude, don't get him started"
"I said I was sorry Buddy"
"Dude, let's just drop it"
"It's cool Dude"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Homey's"
"What's up Homeys?"
"Hey Buddy"
"What's up Dude?"
"Just chillin' Homey"
"Cool Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Dude, check it out, a prison"
"Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there"
"I know Dude, that would suck"
"Homey, my brother is in there"
"Oh Buddy"
"Sorry about that Dude"
"Bummer Buddy"
"Bad timing Homey"
"I know Buddy"
"Sorry Dude"
"Not your fault Homey"
"I know, but Buddy"
"No, it's cool Homey"

"Dude, there's another train on this track"
[Sound of another train]
"Uh Buddy, it's coming at us"
[Train horn sounding]

[Trains crashing]
"Buddy, my head"
"Homey, get off me"
"Buddy, I can't see"
"What just happened to us Dude?"
"Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!"

>> The Lonesome Kicker

Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story

My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow

People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back

In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?

But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "Good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe

Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"Go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands

And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker

Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...

In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game

So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two

>> Assistant Principal's Big Day

"Good morning students and faculty, If I could have your attention please. As you may, or may not know, Principal Cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection. Leaving me, assistant principal Dunbar, as the school`s lone administrator for the next few days."
"Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the same, there will be some additional regulations you must also follow."
"Number one - smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods."
"Number two - the girls` showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself."
"Number three - while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia. Eye contact with me is also prohibited."
"Number four - girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm."
"Number five - while i am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating."
"Finally, rule number six - any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended, unless they are masturbating."
"If you have any questions about these new regulations, I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass."
"Good day"

>> At A Medium Pace

Put your arms around me baby
Can`t you see I need you so
Hold me close against your skin
I`m about to begin
Lovin` you
Spit on your hand and stroke my cock
At a medium pace
Play with my balls and tell me
How big they are
Honey, rub your beaver
Up and down my face
Sit on the corner of the bed
And watch me whack off
You see that shampoo bottle
Now stick it up my ass
Push it in and out
At a medium pace
Talk about your old boyfriend`s dick
And how big it was
Now shave off my pubes
And punch me in the face
Whoa darlin`
Make me push my dick and balls
Back between my legs
Call me an ugly woman
And take my picture to show
All the people you work with
Now pull up my scrotum
And take the shampoo bottle
Out of my ass
Pretend I`m the pizza delivery guy
And watch me whack off
Strap on a dildo
And make me give you head
Tell me to slow down
And do it at a medium pace
I feel so humiliated
I`m about to blow my load
You tell me it`s time to make love
But now I can`t
`Cause I spewed all over myself
Then you look into my eyes
And you realize
How much I enjoy lovin` you
I`m so sorry I spunked on my stomach
Maybe next time I`ll be better at lovin` you

>> Bad Boyfriend

Why don`t you pick up after your done?
I`m not your slave
I`m not your mother
I`m not your maid
I mean I`ve got a life too
So fuck you!
Why can`t you be nicer to my friend?
They`re gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou
Fuck you!
Why don`t you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class?
I only took it `cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!
I`m sorry honey, about the way I`ve been acting lately
Fuck you!
Don`t be like that, we`ll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!
I had the beer at work, for God`s sake
Fuck you!
By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!
I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don`t you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There`s an art gallery two blocks away
And we`ve never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!
You didn`t notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn`t notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don`t you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there`s a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!
Why won`t I ever get out of this relationship?
You`re such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!

>> Cordurory Blues

When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin` around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma`s friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I`m a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
`Cause even when I`m in the shower alone
I`m to embarrased to remove my shirt
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see
I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me "The Little Candy Ass"
When I couldn`t finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma`s good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain`t wearing pants
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203
The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bown of white rice
Dinnertime it`s a saltless potato
I ain`t allowed no spice
If this diet`s gonna work
Tonight I can`t eat no more
"Just go to sleep," I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly`s hungry and achin`
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately

>> Crazy Love

Adam: You don`t mind that I think everybody`s a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
Lisa: And you don`t mind that all of my pants are way too short on me and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
Adam: And you don`t care that I collect dead animals from the side of the road then pretend they`re alive and think I`m a famous football player
Lisa: And you don`t have a problem with me when I follow people I`ve never met before and force them to look at the portrait of Neil Diamond I have tattooed on my back
Adam: It`s very pretty, baby
Well you must have been sent from above
You`re all that I can think of
You`re just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
Adam: Well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
Lisa: Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
Adam: Thank you
Lisa: And you don`t make fun of me `cause I still make out with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO for two and a half years
Adam: I believe you sugarpie
`Cause our love is right on track
I`m yours, your mine it`s a fact
Don`t forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love
Adam: Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn`t even there
Lisa: Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my Wonder Woman underwear
Adam: I didn`t care Babe I know I never had a job `cause I`m afraid to talk to people `cause I know that they`re all robots who are seeking information
Lisa: They can`t fool you sweetheart And I know that you know that I`m the one who burned my cousin Chester`s house to the ground but you told the cops we were out ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you
Adam: I ain`t no fink, dollface
`Cause we know that it`s true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
Lisa: My crazy, crazy love
(spoken to end)
Adam: Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
Lisa: I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on me?
Adam: Oh yeah, here you go

>> Dancin' And Pantsin'

When I was a young man
I didn`t like to dance
I was shy
I`d stand against the wall all night
I`d never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn`t get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots
But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain`t too far away
It`s just on the edge of town
But be ready when you get there
`Cause these folks don`t fuck around
You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you`re gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin` Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It`s fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You`ll see the light when your sphincter`s tight
If you don`t know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you`re a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell
Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits
Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don`t hurt the nut-sack
So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

>> Dip Doodle

Transcribed by The Brave Raven.
Jabawokee ding dong slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang skooey dibbely doo
Wing wong ping pong king kong Cheech `n Chong hop hip kagagoogoo
Hickory dickory slickory flip flap dip skip to my lou
Flim flam wham blam Sam bam Cunningham whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta eat Grandma`s stroodle
`Cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash, you gotta wax Grandma`s mustache
And lay out here socks and make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your Gram
Slappety dappety sling skism skasm bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz, chitty chitty bang wang lang
Zippity doo dang lipidee ay oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle, you gotta shave Grandma`s poodle
`Cause Grandma would do the same for you
You gotta libby, you gotta labby, you gotta hug Grandma even though she`s flabby
`Cause you should know Grandmas are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your Gram
Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they`re coming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your Grandma
Even when she rips a juicy fart
And remember to dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
`Cause Grandma said it will make you go blind
You gotta gipper, you gotta giper, you gotta change Grandma`s diaper
And then pretend that you really didn`t mind
Whoa, respect to the Grandma

>> Do It For Your Mama

Performed by Adam Sandler, Frank, Judd, Jon, Katie, and Brooks Arthur

J.N.: "I can make a bigger splash than you!"
Jimmy: "Oh yeah, give it a shot."
[While jumping up and down on diving board]
J.N.: "Can opener!"
[Big splash]
Jimmy: "Man, that one was huge."
J.N.: "You go."
[While running towards pool]
Jimmy: "Ahhhh, jacknife!"
[Jumps in and small splash]
Tracy: "That was a dud, Jimmy."
Jimmy: "Shutup, Tracy."
Tracy: "You shutup."
[Door opens, walks over]
Momma: "Lunch time kids."
[Kids yelling happily]
Momma: "I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope. I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while."
J.N.: "I`m just gonna eat, mom."
Momma: "All right. And then maybe a little later, you can play with yer cock and balls fer momma."
J.N.: "I don`t think so."
Momma: "Ok. Slow down Jimmy, yer already halfway done with yer sandwhich. You`re gonna get a belly ache."
Jimmy: "No I`m not. I`m hungry."
Momma: "I know, but you shouldn`t so fast. You`re rushing honey, you`re gonna choke. Put down your sandwhich and beat off your cock and balls for a little bit. Pace yourself."
Jimmy: "Oh god."
Momma: "Tracy, do you want some fruit or a sandwhich?"
Tracy: "No mom, I`m trying to lose weight. Guy said I`m getting fat."
Momma: "What? You look beautiful honey. He`s crazy."
Tracy: "Guy said last summer I looked better in a bathing suit, so I`m gonna try to lose like three or four pounds."
Momma: "Awww, sweetheart. You`ve got so much to learn. Guy doesn`t want you to lose weight, baby. It`s just his way of telling you he wants you to smack around his cock and balls some more, honey. He`s got some balls and some cock. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nuts."
Tracy: "Mom!"
Momma: "You`re scared, aren`t ya honey. You want momma to help you? Momma will stroke Guy`s penis for him. No one has to know. I`ll sneak in when it`s dark."
Tracy: "No! Mom, please!"
Momma: "You don`t know how to tug on the cock and balls? You need momma to show you? Get me a carrot, sweetheart. Where are you going!?"
J.N.: "Mom, where`s the suntan lotion?"
Momma: "It`s under the chair baby. You gonna lube up yer cock and balls and wack it for a little bit?"
J.N.: "Uhh, no. I`m just going to put some on my face so I don`t get sunburnt."
Momma: "Smart thinking honey. And while yer at it you can put some on your brother`s ding dong and knock around his nuts for him."
Jimmy: "Mom!"
Momma: "What Jimmy. Why don`t you let your brother wack your cock and nuts for a little bit. You`re not playing with them right now so why not let him. Share, baby!"
Jimmy: "You`re weird mom! I`m going swimming!"
Momma: "Oh, you shouldn`t swim for a half an hour. I read that."
Jimmy: "Why?"
Momma: "Because you just ate, honey. And you`ll get cramps. Why don`t you just lay on the side of the pool and jiggle your balls for momma."
Jimmy: "It`s ok. I`ll stay in the shallow end."
Momma: "Ok, baby. But don`t hurt yourself with that big juicy hog of yours."
Jimmy: "Hey, J.N. Throw me that frisby."
J.N.: "Here! Whoops!"
[Sails over and falls to the ground]
Jimmy: "Nice throw. Right over the fence and into the Chasen`s yard."
Momma: "Don`t get all huffy puffy. I`ll get it. Momma will make everything all right. J.N. you watch Jimmy and make sure he`s safe in that water."
J.N.: "Ok, ma."
Momma: "And if you want you can beat your cock and balls. Hi Mr. Chasen!"
Mr. Chasen: "Oh, hi Emily. How are you?"
Momma: "Oh, the boys threw the frisbee over the fence again. And there it is under the bush."
Mr. Chasen: "I`ll get it for you."
Momma: "Sorry. Thank you. And while your under that bush, why don`t you jack around your cock and balls for yourself. You can stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of yours."
Mr. Chasen: "No, I`ll just.. I`ll just get your frisbee."
Momma: "All right baby."
Mr. Chasen: "Here you go."
Momma: "Thank you. Thanks. Thank Mr. Chasen, boys!"
Boys: "Thanks Mr. Chasen!"
Mr. Chasen: "You`re welcome fellas."
Momma: "Have a good day. Oh, and..and tell your son Tommy, if he wants to come over later and play with his cock and balls with the kids he`s always welcome. I don`t know what happened with him and the boys, but they don`t seem to be friendly anymore."
Mr. Chasen: "I`ll do that Emily."
Momma: "All right. He`s got a big one. You know that."
Momma: "Tracy! You`re boyfriend Guy`s car just pulled up."
Tracy: "Ok mom. Please don`t embarass me!"
Momma: "Everything embarasses you at this age, but I`ll do my best. Don`t worry."
Guy: "Is it ok to come in?"
Tracy: "Come on back here guy!"
Momma: "Oh!"
Tracy: "Thanks for coming over!"
Momma: "Nice to see you Guy."
Guy: "Hi Mrs. Tucker."
Momma: "Why don`t you go for a swim with the others?"
Guy: "I didn`t bring a bathing suit with me."
Momma: "Oh no! You don`t need a bathing suit. Just pull off your clothes and let your cock and balls feel the nice warm water."
Guy: "Uhhh, that`s ok, Mrs. Tucker."
Momma: "Come on! Pull out your cock and balls. The water`s heated. You`ll love it."
Tracy: "Mom! Stop it! Now!"
Momma: "What are you talking about, honey!? This way his balls are out, you can stroke his ding dong in front of all of us. Come on, pull out that hog of yours. I wanna see it anyways. I wanna know what my daughter`s been stroking."
Tracy: "Mom! Stop it!"
Momma: "In fact, everybody, pull out your cock and balls and rub it for momma. Play with yourself. It`ll be good. Everyone. Wack away!"
J.N.: "You`re sick mom! I`m leaving."
Jimmy: "I`m going to Billy`s house. I can`t take this anymore."
[Walking away]
Guy: "Come on, let`s go."
Tracy: "You`ve humiliated me and Guy. We are so outta here."
Momma: "What did I do? What is the matter with you all? Come back here! You`re ruining the day! It`s so beautiful out. This is too much of a..."
[Picks up phone and starts dialing while car drives off]
"I can`t take these kids anymore..."
[Phone rings and gets picked up]
Grandma: "Hello?"
Momma: "Momma, it`s me, I`m very upset,"
Grandma: "Oh, what`s the matter, baby?"
Momma: "The kids are yelling at me and they left me here all alone."
Grandma: "Did you tell them the kids to play with their cock and balls?"
Momma: "I told them to play with their cock and balls."
Grandma: "And what did they say?"
Momma: "They don`t wanna play with them anymore."
Grandma: "Why don`t they wanna play with them anymore?"
Momma: "I don`t understand. They`ve got cock and balls. They should play with them."
Grandma: "Poppy always loves when I play with his cock and balls."
Momma: "You smack around daddy`s cock still, why shouldn`t they beat theirs?"
Grandma: "Tell them to come over to grandma`s house. I`ll play with their cock and balls."
Momma: "Oh momma."

>> At The Mall

Can You Pass The Beats Please?
Here Ya Go
Hey Mom, Guess What?
I Got Invited To Party Tonight,
And I'm Gunna Go If Thats Ok With You
Why Not Mom?
Yeah, Why Mom, He Should Go
It'll Be Fun
I'll Get To Meet New People
Oh Mom
Don't Worry Brad
Hey Mom, I Saw This Great Skirt
At The Mall Today But It Was 34 Dollars
Which Isn't That High Of A Price
But I Was Nervious To Buy It
What Do You Think?
I Really Like It
Oh Mom, Who Is?
Mom Your So Parranoid
Hey Mom, I Have To Get Up Pretty Early Tomarrow
For Little League Try-Outs
Yeah, I Have To Be At The Field At 9 O' Clock
Do You Think You Can Drop Me Off Tomarrow
How Am I Gunna Get There?
I'll Walk I Guess
Mom, Can You Pass The Salad Dressing?
Come On Mom
I'll Get It For You Cindy
Thanks Brad
Thanks For The Tip Mom
Hey Everyone, Let's Just Go Out For Ice Cream
Why Are We Eating Inside?
It's A Beautiful Night
We Need To Get Out More
Mother, Brad Is Right
We Should Go Out, It'll Be Fun
Yes, Comeon, Let's Go
I Could Go For Some Maple Walnuts
Yeah, We Haven't Gone Out Togather In A Long Time
You Wanna Go Dave?
No, I'll Hang Out With Mom
Ya Sure?
Yeah, Go Without Me
How Are Ya Mom?
Great Meal Tonight
Sure Is
Ya Sure Know How To Cook
Boy O Boy
Your Quite A Lady
Say Mom, Can I Go Cannuing Next Weekend With My Friend
Mom, Your Over Reacting
Why Are You Over Protective?
Mom, I'm Going To The Ice Cream Place
Your Just So Set In Your Ways
It Drives Me Crazy

>> Moyda

He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda

Here he comes
Hey Larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only Sigmund Freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder

>> Mr. Bake-o

I'm sitting in my chair watching the TV
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
that my friend overnight mailed to me

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause I'm so damn lambasted

Oh my friend came over so I packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bows just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked

He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he's so wicked wicked wasted

Oh I spent the last two hours
hiding under my bed
Cause I looked in the garbage can
and I think I saw my Uncle Louie's head

I'm fucking wasted

Well my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
Well fucking fried

I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said Pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit

I'm way too baked

>> Mr. Spindel's Phone Call

[Phone Rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
Student: [Whispering] "Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?" [Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: "Whut!?"
Student: [Whispering] "You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!" [Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: "Hey! Who is this!"
[Student Hangs up phone]

[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Answer me!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "For God's sake! Who are you!?"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]

[Operator recording playing "If you'd like to make a call..."]
Mr Spindel: "Who is that!?"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Who are you!?"
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: "Please answer me!"

[Bleeping noise]
Mr Spindel: "Oh God! Who is this!?"
Mr Spindel: "Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?"
Mr Spindel: "WHY!? WHY!?"
Mr Spindel: "Just tell me your name."
Mr Spindel: "Please."
Mr Spindel: "I'm gonna hang up!"
Mr Spindel: "I'm warning you!"
Mr Spindel: "Hullo!"
Mr Spindel: "Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!"
Mr Spindel: "That's it!"
Mr Spindel: "Damn you kids!!"
Mr Spindel: "Damn you!!"
[Slams down phone]

[Phone rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
Mr Spindel: "Hullo?"
Ted: "Yeah, Bill."
Mr Spindel: "Oh, TED!"
Ted: "I've been trying to get through to you forever. Who have you been talking to?"
Mr Spindel: "I don't know. So help me God! I don't know!"

>> My Little Chicken

When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk

You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

>> Ode To My Car

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(You got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

>> Oh Mom

Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jennifer Lien, Andrew Leeds, Meghan Andrews, and Robert Smigel

[Silverware clicking]
M1: "Can you pass the beats please?"
F1: "Here you go"
M1: "Thanks"
Brad: "Hey Mom, guess what? I got invited to a party tonight! And I'm gonna go if that's ok with you."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why not Mom?"
F1: "Yeah, why mom? He should go."
Brad: "It's gonna be fun. I'll get to meet new people..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Brad: "Oh mom..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F1: "Don't wory Brad."

F2: "Hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was $34, which isn't that high of a price, but I was nervous to buy it. What do you think?
Mom: "NOOO!!"
F2: "Really? I really like it..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Oh mom, who is?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Mom, you're so paranoid."
Mom: "NOOO!!"

M3: "Hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for Little League try-outs."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
M3: "Yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Do you think you could drop me off there?..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "How am I gonna get there?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "I'll walk I guess."
Mom: "NOOO!!"

Cindy: "Mom, can you pass the salad dressing?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Please?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, mom."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "I'll get it for you Cindy."
Cindy: "Thanks Brad."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Cindy: "Thanks for the tip, Ma."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Brad: "Hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why are we eating inside? It's a beautiful night. We need to get out more."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Mother, Brad is right."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "We should go out, it'll be fun."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, let's go, I could go for some Maple Walnut."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "You wanna come Dave?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "No, I'll hang out with mom."
M1: "You sure?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Yeah, go without me."
M3: "All right, see you guys later."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Dave: "How are you, mom? Great meal tonight. Sure is... You sure know how to cook! Boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady. Say mom, uhm, can I go canoeing next weekend with my friend Barry?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "Please?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom, you're over reacting!"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Why are you so overprotective!?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom! I'm going to the ice cream place! You're just so set in your ways it drives me crazy!"
[Bangs on the table, gets up]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
[Screen door closes]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at him!"

>> Red Hooded Sweatshirt

My mom bought you when I was just 13,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn't grow out,
"That's too big for you!" the other kids would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit,
and now the children say, "What a perfect fit."

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
dip dip dip
shama lama ding dong

I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don't care if the weather's no good,
I say "See you later rain" as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap?,
I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap.
I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded
dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong

Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly?,
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?

I don't knoooooooww
ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.

Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together like that time I played in that shirts and skins basketball game and I had to take you off and throw you in the corner of the gym. I was midway through the game and then I saw you looking at me. You were staring as if to say "Adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman." I was so mad I challenged you to a game of one on one and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9, deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose. You let me win and that why I'll forever feel this way.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
dip dip dip
shama lama ding dong

Come on audience members, help me out here.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
dip dip dip
shama lama ling dong

I love you sooooooooooo.

Happy Valentine's Everybody!

>> Pickin' Daisies

6 What's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It's okay, Momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, "There goes my girlie son acting up again"
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'Cuz home with Momma is where I'm gonna stay

We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school

Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I'll be safe today, I know 'cuz Momma said

We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale

I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'Cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go

Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, I'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Pickin' daisies
Pickin' daisies
Pickin' daisies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? Yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don't you go to sleep? And when you wake up, then I'll play you the Eddie Fisher record

>> Santa Song

So many presents,
so little time,
Santa won't be coming by my house this year,
cuz I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear,
Oh mama made it perfectly clear,
Santa don't like bad boys... especially Jewish ones.

Gnip-gnop and lego blocks are what I desire,
so why'd I have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire,
I told him I was sorry,I'm a liar,
so no toys for me... I don't deserve them.

I couldn't wait for a big wheel as the holiday neared,
but then I told my grandma that she had a beard.

Dear Santa,

I know what my problem is, why I can't be good, it's a fear of intimacy.
You see my whole life whenever I've met someone really great like you and
I keep feeling like I'm getting close to them, something inside me makes
me want to screw it up. So in a weird way the reason I'm so bad is because
I love you so much santa.

Rock-em Sock-em Robots is what I was hoping for,
but then I made a death threat to vice president Gore,
oh santa won't be knocking on my door,
cuz he's a big fat whore... what made me say that?!

Chutes and ladders would be so good indeed,
so why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed,
so Santa please give me my easy bake oven,
I swear I thought billy goats we're made for lovin'.

So Santa won't you accept my apologies,
Santa can't you see I'm begging you please,
oh Santa next year I'll do you right,
Live from New York it's Saturday night...

>> She Comes Home To Me

Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
Comin' home!!

>> Somebody Kill Me

Ok, I just want to warn you that when I wrote this song I was listening to the
Cure a lot.

You don't know how much I need you.
While you're NEAR ME I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know that you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.

Kid: You're going to the mental institution.

>> Steve Polychronopolous

I'm a big fuckin' dick
I'm a pain in your ass
I drink all your beer
I'll eat the last slice
I'll give you charley horses
I'll pull your shorts down at the beach
I always need a ride
Nobody likes me

My name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I spit when I talk
I swear in front of your mother
I throw shit at the movies
I wear tight pants
I ask you to buy an extra Yankee ticket
And then I don't show
I tell you I saw your girlfriend
Fucking two guys at a party

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I'll piss on your toilet seat and tell your dad you get stoned
I'll borrow your jacket and never think of returning it

Shit for brains

I'll leave your gate open
So your dog runs away
I'll make fun of your pimple
Then I'll grab your sister's ass

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

And I don't care
And I don't give a shit

I'll break your brother's stereo
And then tell him it was you
You think you're better than me
Well you're fucking wrong

Everybody knows I'm Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

Deal with it


>> The Beating Of A High School Bus Driver

"And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver."

[Kids getting on the bus]
"How are ya, Bryan?"
"Good morning, Lisa."
"Good to see ya, Tommy!"
"Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!"
"Watch your step now, Joseph."

"Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?"
[Beating sounds]
"Sir, please!"
[Beating sounds]
"I drive with that hand!"
[Beating sounds]
"Children! Call for help!"
[Beating sounds]
"Holy geez, no!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's me! Oh yes, oh!"
[Beating sounds]
[Final crack, horn sounding]

>> The Excited Southerner At A Job Interview

[Adam Sandler]:
And now the excited Southerner has a job interview.

So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company.

[Excite Southerner]:
...Good question, I have a good answer for that...first first first of all I am
a very...very hard work...vocational skills...I went to...willing to work on a
holidays...I had a tango and mirumba lessons...learning to get along with other
people...but I'm sorry I got my G.E.D....with a overtime...time and a
half...speakin in two languages...Spanish and a...a..another one....and I and
and...loyal like a dog...tell you that much...willin to start at the
bottom...and also stay there...your intestines...completely
flawless...drug-free with a...whoo-wee..good references...if you call my last
boss...he was..actually he was gonna inform me...with a...I got no dependence
with the W-2 form...and I was wondering..

You know what? That's great but uh we don't have anything open right now.
Thanks for comin' down.

[Excited Southerner]:

Are you alright?

>> Teenage Love On The Phone

Richie: "So ya doin' good?"
Samantha: "Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?"
Richie: "How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours."
Samantha: "Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall, and he doesn't want me on the phone. So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming."
Richie: "Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance thi..."
[She hangs up phone]

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello?"
Samantha: "Sorry, I thought he was coming."
Richie: "That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
Samantha: "Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights."
Richie: "Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..."
[She hangs up phone]
Richie: "Come on.."

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hey."
Samantha: "Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom."
Richie: "That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying? Oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin.."
[She hangs up the phone again]
Richie: "Give me a break..."

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello."
Samantha: "Sorry. It was just my dog."
Richie: "Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?"
Samantha: "He just thinks I'm on the phone too much. Oh my God, uh, I gotta go."
Richie: "Don't hang up!"
Samantha: "Richie, I can't talk!"
Richie: "No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him."
Samantha: "It's not my dad."
Richie: "What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?"
Samantha: "Uh, just look Richie, someone is here."
Richie: "Who's there? Is it a guy!?"
Samantha: "Richie!"
Richie: "I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!"
Samantha: "oh.. it's just.. hold on."

[Hands phone to guy]
Richie: "Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!"
Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!"
Richie: "Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy! Don't think I'm kidding around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!"
Buffoon: "One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts above her belly button."
Richie: "Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there and beat your face in!"
[Richie slams down phone]

Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?"
Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!"
Samantha: "Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest." [Whispering] "I love you..."

>> The Adventures Of The Cow

"And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning of a little league game getting hit by a pitch"

[Baseball sounds and cow bell ringing,ball is hit and hits cow]
Cow: Moo

"And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time, and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground"

[Plane sounds]
M1: Alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down, quit being a pansy and do it
Cow: Moo
[Ripcord sounds]
Cow: Moo,mrr
[Parachute opens]
Cow: Moow

"And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries"

[Cow opening paper bag]
Cow: Moo,moo
[Car screeches, and turns back around]
Cow: Mrr

"And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break and then realises he can't swim"

[Cow walking towards pool, big splash]
Cow: Moo
[Crowd cheering]
Cow: Mrr,mrr
[Underwater moo]

"And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club, when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on"

F1: Ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
Cow: Moo
F1: Uh uh uh, you can't touch that
Cow: Moo
Bouncer: Keep your hands off the girl
Cow: Moo
Bouncer: Hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Cow: Moo
M2: Hey watch it cow

"And now a cow playing tennis against farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle when the farmer makes an obvious bad call"

[Tennis ball being hit]
Farmer: That was out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Don't tell me it wasn't cause I saw it and that was out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: By at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
Cow: Mrr
Farmer: You cannot see from that angle
Cow: Moo

"And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke"

[Phone rings, cow picks it up]
Farmer: Hello may I speak to the cow
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Hi, I'm a famous actor
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Oh, thank you very much, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Why don't I make reservations?
Cow: Moo
Farmer: And why don't I tell you my real name? farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
Cow: Mrr
Farmer: Take that fatty
Cow: Mrr
[Slams down phone]

"And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle"

[Car sounds]
Farmer: Pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.
[Car hits farmer]
Farmer: Oooh
Cow: Mooooooooooooo

>> Zittly Van Zittles

Well I had myself a girlfriend
for all most two whole years.
We had ourselves no secrets,
we had no fears.
There was nothing we wouldn't do
when we were in the sack.
She'd even pop the zit on my back.

Well, one night I was out a-cheatin'
after I drank a few she caught me red-handed
and said, "we're through," boo hoo.
Now she got a new boyfriend
it nearly gave me a heart attack.
'Cause who's gonna pop this zit on my back?

Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
it keeps growing in the same place.
I can't reach it with my left or right hand.
I wish it was on my face.
It's four days old and it hurts so bad
but it's ready for a squeeze.
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars.

If you're a girl in this lonely world
and your looking for a guy,
I'll never cheat again I promise,
that's no lie.
There's only one thing I'll ask of you,
could we name our first child Zach?
Oh, one more thing please pop this zit on my back.
I'm dying here!


Well, I'm sittin' alone by the phone
and no one seemes to call.
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall.
Well, that don't work so I look around
and find a big, shiny thumb-tack.
Put it on the floor,
lay down,
pop the zit on my back.

>> What The Hell Happened To Me

Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you for listening to the record and I hope you had as much fun as I did and here's one last little diddy just for you.

I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now I'm only happy when I'm drinking J.D.
What the hell happened to me?

I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend Billy
And Mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now I only get excited when I see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?

I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that Momma said I should
But now I just do whatever I want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant

I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all I do is get VD,
What the hell happened to me?

It makes no sense
I can't believe I ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?

A do-do-do-do-do wop-bop doobaly do

I'm kind of a wierdo

>> The Thanksgiving Song

"They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right.."
"This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song"
"I hope you enjoy it."

[Starts playing]
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey

Shout from Crowd: "I love you Adam!"
Adam Sandler: "Ohhh, I love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good

Adam Sandler: "That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it. But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear is clapping. Here we go... Thanks anyways"

Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.

White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

>> Welcome My Son

Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can’t help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?

Soon enough you’ll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you’ll be talkin’
Only daddy can understand
We’ll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I’m thinking, will this kid end up smoking’ weed?

But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin’
You’re now six years old
You’re getting so good at your spellin’
But my mind is always dwellin’
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time

So answer me this while you’re lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein’ such a fuckin’ pothead?
There’s other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking’ your herb
You can’t get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
To buy so much Hawaiian dope?